Ward Nicholson

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Life sucks, and then you die — as reworded by the world’s major “isms”

The Real Meaning of Life

Life sucks.

—Buddhism

Life sucks, so what?

—Taoism

Life sucks, and then you die.

—Existentialism

Life sucks, over and over and over again.

—Hinduism/reincarnation

Life sucks and you’re going to heaven or hell afterward, but you can’t know for certain which one.

—Old Calvinist predestination Christianity

Life sucks and you’re going to heaven or hell afterward: Do you feel lucky, punk?

—Updated for today’s more modern Christian

(nod of the hat to Dirty Harry)

Life doesn’t suck, life doesn’t suck, life doesn’t suck (la-la-la-la-la!).

—Christian Science

If you think your life with us sucks now, our man Guido will make it a lot worse if you ever try to leave.

—Scientology

Life sucks — repeat after me to the east five times a day.

—Mainstream Islam

Life sucks, then you strap on a bomb and see how many others you can take with you on the way out.

—Terrorist Islam

Life sucks now, but trust me, we’ve got some prime Florida swampland waiting for you later in a never-before-seen place we call the afterlife.

—Religion in General

Life sucks even more when you get old, especially if you think your next round of golf couldn’t possibly get any worse.

—Florida retirees

Life sucks: I think I need a nice, big, fat 10-million-dollar bonus.

—Wall-Street Chief Executives

Life sucks, but whoever dies with the most toys wins.

—Capitalism

Life sucks for the rest of us because of the capitalists.

—Marxism

Life sucks a little less if you feel the pain together.

—Socialism

Life should suck the same for everyone.

—Communism

Life sucks: let’s all pretend our votes might change that.

—Democracy

Life sucks: export or dump it somewhere else at a profit.

—Global free-market economics

Life sucks, so the country should take on as much debt as possible and spend all of it to make one big, giant sucking sound.

—Keynesian economics

Life sucks. I’d like some more things, please!

—Consumerism

(second sentence from a Tom Tomorrow cartoon)

Life still sucks and I think I deserve another big, fat 10-million-dollar bonus.

—Wall-Street Chief Executives

Life sucks — oh, the poor bunny wabbits!

—Vegetarianism

Life suck ummpf Zog eat beef.

—Paleo/Caveman Diet

Life sucks and we’re in the midst of the sixth major extinction of Earth’s species… But don’t worry about that, looky here at this sucky social-media world we’ve got for you instead.

—Silicon Valley

Life sucks because I suck, but won’t suck if I don’t suck.

—New-Age “you create your own reality” philosophy

Life sucks, I give up. Would somebody up there help?

—Alcoholics Anonymous

Is there anybody UP there?

—Pink Floyd (“The Wall,” reloaded)

Life sucks, but don’t ask any tough questions: our sucky sources will stop talking to us.

—Today’s news journalism

Life sucks, you poor thing, but we’re gonna make it all better with the government’s help.

—Democrats

Life sucks, it’s your fault, so suck it up and don’t count on any help from me.

—Republicans

Life sucks, so could you please just leave me alone?

—Libertarians

You know what? The money is still sucking, and that last bonus just isn’t doing it for me: Let’s make it $50 million this time around for year-end to wrap things up.

—Wall-Street Chief Executives

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